“I’m amazed no one thought of it earlier,” Lemaire said ahead of Monday night’s game with the Philadelphia Flyers. “Six skaters on the ice at a time. It’s so simple and effective. It’s overpowering.”

The Devils will be vying to tie a league record 10^th straight road win to start the season Monday and are riding an 8-game winning streak overall, which Lemaire largely attributes to having more players on the ice than his opposition at any given time.

Lemaire acknowledged that there have been some growing pains to playing the unorthodox style of hockey. The Devils have taken a league leading 647 too many men on the ice bench minors just 18 games into the season.

“Yea, the refs, they don’t really know what to do with it. They’ll come around though,” Lemaire said. “That’s what happens with every new idea though. Soon everyone will be doing it. If that happens, I might have to start throwing another goalie out there. Maybe send Arlette out to sing during penalty kills. There’s a lot of options with this.”

Devils leading scorer Zach Parise said it was tough to get used to a new system and a new coach, but believes the players have really bought into the system.

“It was weird at first,” Parise said. “At first, if you were the extra guy, Jacques would have you kind of hang back near the bench and act like you were talking to [Devils backup goaltender Yann] Danis, you know like you didn’t even realize you were on the ice. Then when the refs weren’t looking we’d just act like we’d been there the whole time.”

The Devils will skate without Patrick Elias on Monday, who is still nursing a bottle over the fact that Martin Brodeur didn’t invite him on his private jet to Lou Lamoriello’s Hall of Fame Induction. Additonally, center Travis Zajac will miss at least six months after farting without leaning and tearing both his MCL and ACLs, further compounding the team’s injury woes.

The team also put out a press release Sunday stating that the ban on Patricia Greuter, who has been repeatedly caught attempting to swap Martin Broduer’s MB30 mask for his old one, remains in effect and have asked Devils fans who see her near any games to report her whereabouts immediately.

Editor’s note: On the off chance anyone took this seriously..don’t. It’s fake. Get a sense of humor.

COMPLETELY DESTROY 8 MONTHS OF MOTHERF(^%$*G WORK GHAAAHGHAHG!!!! I HATE LARGE CYCLONIC WEATHER SYSTEMS

But I’m not making my triumphant return to 2ma’s gilded board for just any reason.

I’d tried everything before this, but screaming at my television clearly hasn’t been working and my playoff beard has been growing in patchy (see fig. 1).

Then I was inspired.

I was trolling the internets searching for some kind of solace and it appeared before me. Glen Sather of the New York Rangers had the answer.

Sather, if you’ve been keeping tabs, fired off a letter to Gary Bettman this past weekend pleading with the commish to have the Capitals staff disciplined for not controlling their fans, who were evidently so rowdy they had to be cooled off by good ol’ John Tortorella.

And what could have prompted such correspondence? “Graphic” and “repeated homophobic” remarks being screamed at Torts and the rest of the Rags’ bench during the game. I found this especially interesting considering nary a year ago, MSG officials were rebuked for, you guessed it, the exact same thing.

Hypocrisy aside, I was inspired. Because clearly, it could not have been the Devils fault they were blasted out of Raleigh before their plane ever touched down. So I present to you my letter to Gary Bettman regarding the treachery bestowed upon the New Jersey Devils Sunday night.

—

Gary Bettman
NHL Headquarters
Hans’ Skateshop
394 Emilio Avenue
Anaheim, CA 92801

G-Betty,

I write to you regarding a matter of grave importance. As you may already be aware, on Sunday April 26 the New Jersey Devils faced off against the Carolina Hurricanes in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals at RBC Arena in Raleigh, NC — losing a lopsided game 4-0.

I’m writing because I believe the staff at RBC, the Carolina Hurricanes players, their fans and the mayor of Raleigh need to be disciplined by the NHL for the heinous behavior that occurred that night.

I’m speaking of course about giant magnets. If you watch footage of the game closely, you’ll clearly note that anytime a Devils skater had the puck during Sunday’s game, it became impossible for him to move his feet. They could stick handle just fine, but throughout the game anytime the puck graced their sticks, they became anchored where they were — leaving them as easy targets for the speedy Canes forwards.

This could only be the work of giant magnets, strategically operated underneath the ice by what I suspect are a pack of well trained penguins and used to put the Devils skaters at a distinct disadvantage.

I have surveyed the Devils operation and know the players did not come into the game with any fatigue. In fact, my reconnaissance showed that several of the Devils’ players are the only people under the age of 65 to engage in cribbage tournaments.

Clearly, giant magnets are the only answer. In the name of sportsmanship, I implore you to act swiftly to rectify this situation lest it becomes common practice across the league.

Neither the Devils nor the well-behaved Hurricanes fans should be forced to endure the extraordinary level of  misconduct that Carolina failed to prevent in Game 6.

Thank you for your consideration.

Stephen Stirling

P.S. Additionally, I understand it was hot, but could you please ask the Carolina to issue a PSA regarding the waving of towels during games. We’ve spoken about this before, but Zach Parise is easily distracted by twirling objects. Thank you.

Zach Parise hasn’t been scoring (today doesn’t really count), Colin White fled the team in fear and Bobby Holik hasn’t been able to make a single Geico promotional appearance in more than a month.

While we promise to leave it all on the ice this week, we will only do so if you agree to leave your creepy mccreeperson behavior out of our facilities.

Supremely awesome,

The New Jersey Devils

Also, no.

Schnuggles,

The New Jersey Devils

P.S. Kindly return Patrik Elias at your earliest convenience. He gets cranky when he’s away from Zach and Gio too long.

We’re afraid it was your suite/sweet joke. Yea..it was that bad.

K bai.

Still sucking,

The New Jersey Devils

Burns, who of course led the boys in red and black to their third cup in 2003, apparently is dealing with some sort of cancerous activity in his lungs. According to TG over at Fire & Ice he still operates as a special assignment coach for the Devils, helping out where he can. While he has evidently opted not to go with chemo to treat the cancer, he has been receiving some sort of treatment since learning the cancer had returned last spring.

He’s a fighter, as evidenced by him beating cancer twice before, so let’s hope he can put it to bed for the hat trick. Get well Burnsie!

WTF?!

Well I was readying an entry on the unsung heroes of the Sans-Marty Surge, but after last night’s 110 percent effort against the Atlanta Thrashers, methinks I’ll put it on hold until the boys decide to stop hitting the snooze button.

Oh since Marty’s still injured, lets just pretend in this picture he lent his jersey to Clemmer last night as a good luck charm. Anyways, could someone please get these guys a Red Bull or at the very least leave out the Vicodin in their pre-game pasta? I know everyone’s sad about Patrick Swayze having cancer, but really, he’s accepted his fate. Dirty Dancing will live forever.

SO LETS WAKE THE EFF UP MMKAY?