Mon 14 Apr 2008
BREAKING NEWS: Sean Avery wins asshat of the universe competition
Posted by Steve Stirling under Post-Game Buzz , Zee PlayoffsNEW YORK — Sean Avery, alleged John and mediocre forward for the New York Rangers, was officially awarded the title of “Asshat of the Universe” Monday morning after the National Hockey League was forced to alter its rules specifically to keep up with his douchebaggery.
Avery received the award, presented annually by the International Brotherhood of Asshatters and Duck-Billed Platypi (IBADBP), after NHL disiplinarion Colin Campbell altered a rule as a direct result of Avery’s actions during a 4-3 loss to the New Jersey Devils Sunday night.
During the 2nd period of a then 1-1 game, the Rangers were in the midst of a 5-on-3 powerplay when Avery began waving his stick and hands frantically within inches of the face of Devils goaltender Martin Brodeur in an attempt to distract him. The Rangers scored seconds later.
“It just came to me earlier that day,” Avery said after the game. “I saw this 4-year-old doing it to his brother while he was trying to concentrate on a video game and thought, I can use this.”
Brodeur, who is no stranger to Avery’s penchant for irritation, said after the game he was still trying to wrap his head around what occurred.
“I couldn’t believe it. He really raised the bar with that one,” he said Monday morning. “He was acting like we were playing basketball and was trying to guard me. At one point he started screaming ‘gonna take it to the paint Marty?!’ over and over. After that I just lost it. I couldn’t figure it out. Next thing you know the puck was in the net.”
The NHL acted swiftly and less than 24 hours after the game, Campbell released this statement:
“National Hockey League Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell issued the following advisory on the interpretation of Rule 75: Unsportsmanlike Conduct.
‘An unsportsmanlike conduct minor penalty (Rule 75) will be interpreted and applied, effective immediately, to a situation when an offensive player positions himself facing the opposition goaltender and engages in actions such as waving his arms or stick in front of the goaltender’s face for the purpose of interfering with and/or distracting the goaltender as opposed to positioning himself to try to make a play.’â€
When IBADBP President Reginald Hammerfart heard of Avery’s feat of classless dickishness, he also didn’t miss a beat.
“I immediately knew we had a winner,” Hammerfart said. “We were about to give it to the guys who made that movie “Meet the Spartans,” but this just blew that out of the water.”
The award is the world’s highest honor given to an asshat and in receiving it Avery joins the company of past winners that includes comedian Carrot Top and right-wingnut Ann Coulter.
After hearing he won the award, Avery was humbled.
“I was like wow, who knew I could make it this far,” he said. “I just hope I set an example for asshats everywhere. If you believe in yourself you can accomplish anything.”
DISCLAIMER: With the exception of Colin Campbell’s statement on the rule change and the incident itself, everything else in this article was entirely made up. Just in case heh.
April 14th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Laughed outloud multiple times while reading this. Very Nice Steve.
Oh By The Way: GO DEVILS!
April 14th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
bravo. That was great.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I’m glad that Colin Campbell cleared that up. Now we won’t have a whole league of guys going up to the goalie going “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you! Rules are rules! Does this annoy you? I’m not touching youuuuu!”
Also, well done Steve. Well done.
And hi Devs4Life!
April 15th, 2008 at 9:00 am
1)While we are NOT Avery fans(He made our list of most hated NHL players) http://newfaux.blogspot.com/2007/11/all-prickmost-hated-teams.html#links
We are not happy that the NHL changed its rules in a knee jerk fashion such as this.
2) There is a way to alter rules if need be. There is a competition committee(Marty is on that right?), then the GM’s/owners approve their suggestions, etc.
3) If what Avery did was a penalty then BOTH refs decided it wasn’t at the time it was done. Seems this was done only because of the negative reaction among non-Ranger fans and the media.
4) Its also the second time that we can recall that Brodeur influenced an intra-season rules change. The first when the visor rule(Ovechkin) was amended because Marty didn’t like the fact that he couldn’t see the eyes of shooters.
5) All that said, we like your blog and plan to add it to our blog roll as our NJ entry.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Very funny, you should send it to The Onion. I wonder how much of a distration Avery’s antics are to his own team? There are many players on that Team that were embarressed by Avery’s antics.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:33 am
The new word “douchebaggery” is now in my lexicon, and I have worked it into conversation twice since yesterday afternoon.
Thank you Steve.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Hah thanks guys, you can always count on good ol’ Sean Avery to serve himself up for the perfect lampoon home run.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Oh and douchebaggery, best word ever.
I think getting douchebaggery and asshat in the lead of a story might be my greatest accomplishment as a journalist yet.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
fauxrumors:
“2) There is a way to alter rules if need be. There is a competition committee(Marty is on that right?), then the GM’s/owners approve their suggestions, etc.”
Response: The act was so egregiously against what the NHL considers “fair play”, so unprecendented and such blatent in-game gamesmanship that they felt they had to act immediately. The NHL is trying desparately to attract new fan base and the playoffs are their crown jewel event. It is the only place where they ever get a national audience. If they didn’t act immediately, Overy would have been playing ‘nah, nah, nah! I’m not touching you!!’ for the rest of the series and beyond, if the rangers advance. They simply couldn’t risk that childish behavior to be allowed to continue in their big show. It’s embarrassing. As a Rangers fan, you should be embarrassed for your team.
3) If what Avery did was a penalty then BOTH refs decided it wasn’t at the time it was done. Seems this was done only because of the negative reaction among non-Ranger fans and the media.
Response: What Overy did wasn’t a penalty because their wasn’t a rule for it. That’s why they didn’t stick him in the box. But you can’t defend the behavior. It is indefensible. Just because the rules committee didn’t foresee an adult professional athlete behaving like a five year old doesn’t make the behavior A-OK, does it? Hmm…I wonder if ther’s a rule against indian burns or wedgies? See what I mean? Just because the rules committee assumes the hockey players are going to play hockey doesn’t mean you get to turn the ice into a school yard. If you do it in the playoffs, expect a reaction from the league. Would you really be defending this if he wasn’t a Ranger?
4) Its also the second time that we can recall that Brodeur influenced an intra-season rules change. The first when the visor rule(Ovechkin) was amended because Marty didn’t like the fact that he couldn’t see the eyes of shooters.
Response: This rules change didn’t come from Brodeur, it came from Colin Campbell and it was prompted by the league not wanting their premier event turning into a circus side show. Overy’s actions were bush league and childish. And they didn’t even work. The Rangers didn’t score until Avery stopped his nonsense and went back to playing hockey.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Hi Josh!
April 15th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I had a Ranger fan come up to me and say he lost all respect for avery for that.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I always like that first picture of Marty there tee hee, just hope it doesn’t lose some of its meaning after the series considering the douche has three goals.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I for one liked the antics of Avery. About time somebody did something interesting in the boring playoffs. And besides, he looks hot without his shirt on. MMM.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:44 am
1) The above comment was by an imposter not made by anyone associated with our blog.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:19 am
I miss the You Go Girl picture. I hope Marty gives us a reason to use it tonight.