Correspondence with Gary Bettman, as inspired by the New York Rangers

Well that was a super way to spend three hours of our nights wasn’t it? Sweet Jesus was that painful.

But I’m not making my triumphant return to 2ma’s gilded board for just any reason.

I’d tried everything before this, but screaming at my television clearly hasn’t been working and my playoff beard has been growing in patchy (see fig. 1).

Clearly Steve is neither a master of growing a beard nor Adobe Illustrator

Then I was inspired.

I was trolling the internets searching for some kind of solace and it appeared before me. Glen Sather of the New York Rangers had the answer.

Sather, if you’ve been keeping tabs, fired off a letter to Gary Bettman this past weekend pleading with the commish to have the Capitals staff disciplined for not controlling their fans, who were evidently so rowdy they had to be cooled off by good ol’ John Tortorella.

And what could have prompted such correspondence? “Graphic” and “repeated homophobic” remarks being screamed at Torts and the rest of the Rags’ bench during the game. I found this especially interesting considering nary a year ago, MSG officials were rebuked for, you guessed it, the exact same thing.

Hypocrisy aside, I was inspired. Because clearly, it could not have been the Devils fault they were blasted out of Raleigh before their plane ever touched down. So I present to you my letter to Gary Bettman regarding the treachery bestowed upon the New Jersey Devils Sunday night.

Gary Bettman
NHL Headquarters
Hans’ Skateshop
394 Emilio Avenue
Anaheim, CA 92801

G-Betty,

I write to you regarding a matter of grave importance. As you may already be aware, on Sunday April 26 the New Jersey Devils faced off against the Carolina Hurricanes in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals at RBC Arena in Raleigh, NC — losing a lopsided game 4-0.

I’m writing because I believe the staff at RBC, the Carolina Hurricanes players, their fans and the mayor of Raleigh need to be disciplined by the NHL for the heinous behavior that occurred that night.

I’m speaking of course about giant magnets. If you watch footage of the game closely, you’ll clearly note that anytime a Devils skater had the puck during Sunday’s game, it became impossible for him to move his feet. They could stick handle just fine, but throughout the game anytime the puck graced their sticks, they became anchored where they were — leaving them as easy targets for the speedy Canes forwards.

This could only be the work of giant magnets, strategically operated underneath the ice by what I suspect are a pack of well trained penguins and used to put the Devils skaters at a distinct disadvantage.

I have surveyed the Devils operation and know the players did not come into the game with any fatigue. In fact, my reconnaissance showed that several of the Devils’ players are the only people under the age of 65 to engage in cribbage tournaments.

Clearly, giant magnets are the only answer. In the name of sportsmanship, I implore you to act swiftly to rectify this situation lest it becomes common practice across the league.

Neither the Devils nor the well-behaved Hurricanes fans should be forced to endure the extraordinary level of  misconduct that Carolina failed to prevent in Game 6.

Thank you for your consideration.

Stephen Stirling

P.S. Additionally, I understand it was hot, but could you please ask the Carolina to issue a PSA regarding the waving of towels during games. We’ve spoken about this before, but Zach Parise is easily distracted by twirling objects. Thank you.