NEW YORK — Sean Avery, alleged John and mediocre forward for the New York Rangers, was officially awarded the title of “Asshat of the Universe” Monday morning after the National Hockey League was forced to alter its rules specifically to keep up with his douchebaggery.

Avery received the award, presented annually by the International Brotherhood of Asshatters and Duck-Billed Platypi (IBADBP), after NHL disiplinarion Colin Campbell altered a rule as a direct result of Avery’s actions during a 4-3 loss to the New Jersey Devils Sunday night.

During the 2nd period of a then 1-1 game, the Rangers were in the midst of a 5-on-3 powerplay when Avery began waving his stick and hands frantically within inches of the face of Devils goaltender Martin Brodeur in an attempt to distract him. The Rangers scored seconds later.

“It just came to me earlier that day,” Avery said after the game. “I saw this 4-year-old doing it to his brother while he was trying to concentrate on a video game and thought, I can use this.”

Brodeur, who is no stranger to Avery’s penchant for irritation, said after the game he was still trying to wrap his head around what occurred.

“I couldn’t believe it. He really raised the bar with that one,” he said Monday morning. “He was acting like we were playing basketball and was trying to guard me. At one point he started screaming ‘gonna take it to the paint Marty?!’ over and over. After that I just lost it. I couldn’t figure it out. Next thing you know the puck was in the net.”

The NHL acted swiftly and less than 24 hours after the game, Campbell released this statement:

“National Hockey League Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell issued the following advisory on the interpretation of Rule 75: Unsportsmanlike Conduct.

‘An unsportsmanlike conduct minor penalty (Rule 75) will be interpreted and applied, effective immediately, to a situation when an offensive player positions himself facing the opposition goaltender and engages in actions such as waving his arms or stick in front of the goaltender’s face for the purpose of interfering with and/or distracting the goaltender as opposed to positioning himself to try to make a play.’”

When IBADBP President Reginald Hammerfart heard of Avery’s feat of classless dickishness, he also didn’t miss a beat.

“I immediately knew we had a winner,” Hammerfart said. “We were about to give it to the guys who made that movie “Meet the Spartans,” but this just blew that out of the water.”

The award is the world’s highest honor given to an asshat and in receiving it Avery joins the company of past winners that includes comedian Carrot Top and right-wingnut Ann Coulter.

After hearing he won the award, Avery was humbled.

“I was like wow, who knew I could make it this far,” he said. “I just hope I set an example for asshats everywhere. If you believe in yourself you can accomplish anything.”

DISCLAIMER: With the exception of Colin Campbell’s statement on the rule change and the incident itself, everything else in this article was entirely made up. Just in case heh.

With a 2-1 overtime victory over the Islanders that I totally didn’t see at all, the Devils have officially clinched a playoff berth.

Yay!

A note to the New Jersey Devils:

You’d better just be getting all of the losing out of your system before the playoffs start.

If that is the case, fine.  But I do have to remind you that you have not yet guarenteed your invitation to the post-season dance just yet.

Get it together already.

Tonight’s “effort” doesn’t even deserve a coherent, thought-out post.

So, I leave you with this:

Yeah. This is better than tonight’s train wreck of a game.

NOTE: Patricia will be in Mart-real until Monday, so be on the look out for Patricia and in the Canadian Nation in the coming days!

There will be much said about last night’s spectacularly awesome 6-1 Devils victory with 2 Man Advantage in the building in the near future. But for now, I feel an obligation to at least post this:

Stories, shenanigans, and praise for those who don’t usually get praise, coming up in the next 24 hours!

Well, that sucked.

Apparently, it’s impossible for Black ‘n Red to beat the New York Islanders.

This is quite disappointing, and frankly, it really disturbs me.

I call conspiracy.

Or shenanigans.

It’s gotta be something.

You know?