The Devils signed Erik Rasmussen today.

New Jersey, I apologize for having to break such terrible news.

But hey, on the bright side, he was immediately assigned to Lowell.

You know, the Baby Devils couldn’t get much worse anyway, so it may entirely be a moot point.

Massachusetts, I also apologize to you.

I guess that’s what happens when you lose to the Islanders like seven thousand times within the span of, oh, I dunno, half a season.

I still say conspiracy, by the way.

Tom Gulitti of the Bergen Record is today reporting that the New Jersey Devils have finally re-signed defender Paul Martin to a 3-year contract. Martin will receive $3-million this season, while being paid $4-million in 2008 and $4.5-million in 2009.

Whew.

The 26-year-old blueliner was slated to become an unrestricted free agent next summer.

Oh, and we all know how grand that would have turned out.

In 82 games with the Devils last season, Martin posted three goals and 23 assists for 26 points. He skated at a minus-nine and racked up a mere 18 penalty minutes.

He’s totally a bad boy.

Hey, why not keep the parade going, eh?

In a move that likely solidifies the fourth line, the New Jersey Devils have announced the signing of former New York Islander Arron Asham to a one year, $700,000 contract.

The 29-year-old winger posted 11 goals and 12 assists for 23 points in 80 games with the Isles last season.

Dude is only like 5′11″ though.

PATRICIA SAYS: Don’t think this is a Lowell signing. He’ll man the fourth line, and if it weren’t said before, there is absolutely no way I can see Mr. Rasmussen retained now.

Asham is on the smaller side, but he is a solid 210 pounds, and that’s something at least. He’s not going to be a scorer by any means, but he’s a feisty lil’ bugger and he’s got quite admirable worth ethic to boot. He won’t be afraid to drop the gloves, and that’s always a nice thing.

I like this signing, actually. We’re looking at a completely revamped fourth line here, folks.

It’s pretty.

TONY SAYS: While decreasing Islander competition despite how far they’ve diminished, we sign a scrappy guy to (somewhat) match players like Sean Avery on the Rangers.

I think it’s a good signing.

Asham is really a good pickup by the Devils. He’s a young veteran who is familiar with the division and can help the boys with his feisty, scrappy qualities. Great ambition and fits perfectly with our fourth line. He should bring excitement to our team next year.

Poor Isles.

Ha.

JOSH SAYS: Despite the obvious handicap of being an Islander these past four years, I kind of like Arron Asham, so I’m kind of pleased with this signing. Asham will be able to move as high up as the third line and should fit comfortably on the fourth line most of the season.

The Devils now have many options when it comes to the third and fourth lines, which is, well, really nice. Pandolfo-Madden-Clarkson and Brylin-Rupp-Asham? Pandolfo-Madden-Asham with Rupp-Pelley-Clarkson? Hell, if things get chippy, maybe Pandolfo-Madden-Clarkson with Asham-Rupp-Janssen?(!)

The Devils can comfortably roll four lines, which means more rest for the top two lines, which, in theory, means less injuries, more stamina, and more production.

JOE SAYS: Ho-hum. Another participant in the 4th-Line-Deathmatch (AKA: “Training Camp”). I’m not exactly loving this signing just yet, but I’m warming up to it more and more as the season approaches. He reminds me of a younger Sergei Brylin. He even has the could-be-Asian thing goin’.

DARREN SAYS: In what seems to be a typical Lou move this summer, Asham is another solid, under the radar signing.

I think his place on the Devils will be on the forth line but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him spend some time with Madden and Pando on the third line. Asham adds a touch of offense to the team, which is important when you are going to consistently roll four lines every night. Asham also brings a little more grit to this team as he’s not one to shy away from taking the gloves off.

The only downside I see in Arron’s game is his ability to take undisciplined penalties, which we all know is Colin White’s role. I think the arrival of Asham assures us that we won’t be seeing Dowd or Rasmussen in a Devils jersey next season. Overall, I like this signing and feel the Devils won’t be getting pushed around next season.

From the official Devils site (link opens in new window):

“The Devils announced today that forward Zach Parise has been re-signed to a new multi-year contract. No further terms of the deal were disclosed.”

EDIT: TSN is reporting Zach’s contract to be 4 years, 12.5 million. Nice.

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Oh thank you God. Now let’s get to work on Mr. Paul Martin, eh?

Exit Jim Fahey and Alex Brooks.

Enter Ian Moran.

The seldom-used Fahey has split to the Chicago Blackhawks while Alex Brooks has inked a contract with the St. Louis Blues.

With the loss of two mediocre defenders, Louie Lams kicked it into high gear, adding utility man Ian Moran.

So, uh, that’s like five billion semi-average defenders now, right?

Either Lou really wants a kick-butt Baby Devils or he thinks that signing all the 7th-defenders in the world will equal that of one solid top-four defenseman.

Crazy logic, eh?

I’d prefer to think he’s going for the first option.

Moran, 34, appeared in only one game last season with the Anaheim Ducks, registering no points and skating at a minus-one. He has previously played with Pittsburgh and Boston.

Alas, Fahey was a castoff and really of no use in New Jersey, so his departure doesn’t hurt. Neither does Brooks, who was merely used due to salary cap issues.

This is really a lateral move, folks. Nothing gained, nothing lost. I do see Moran as a Baby Devil, used only in an emergency basis. He is an upgrade over Fahey and Brooks, I think.

Okay, I think the Devils are attempting to carry the most mediocre defensemen in the history of the NHL.

Seriously.

So, let’s add Jean-Luc Grand-Pierre to the mix.

J-L G-P (that was awesome) has inked a contract with the Devils, as reported by the Hockey DB. (link opens in new window)

The 30-year-old utility man spent last season in Germany, netting nine goals and 14 assists for 23 points in 44 games. He last appeared in the NHL in 2003-04, enjoying a 13-game stint with the Washington Capitals. He has also played with the Atlanta Thrashers, Columbus Blue Jackets and Buffalo Sabres.

PATRICIA SAYS: Don’t fret folks, this is not a New Jersey Devils signing. Purely a depth move. Grand-Pierre will skate with the Baby Devils next season, easily taking the place of NHL-castoff Dan McGillis. A nice, bulky defender who can play at wing as well, G-P will toughen up a decisively weak Lowell lineup.

If nothing else, at least his name is awesome — come on, who doesn’t love a ridiculously long name?

In news coming straight out of the “WTF Department,” NHLPA.com is reporting that Grant Marshall is under contract with the New Jersey Devils for the 2007-08 season.

Uh, okay?

Marshall is slated to make $475,000 next season.

The 34-year-old winger spent all of last season with the Baby Devils, tallying eight goals and 16 assists for 24 points in 59 games.

PATRICIA SAYS: Uh…huh? I hope this is a two-way contract at the least. Either Erik Rasmussen won’t be retained, or Lou merely signed Marshy out of pity. Don’t get me wrong, I am without-a-damn-doubt more than grateful for Marsh’s contributions, but dude is washed up now. He ain’t no NHL player, folks. At least, not anymore.

The New Jersey Devils continue to stockpile defensemen, signing blueliner Vitaly Vishnevski to a three-year contract which will pay him $1.4-million next season.

He will receive $2-million in each of the following two seasons.

Vishnevski split last season between the Atlanta Thrashers and Nashville Predators, appearing in 67 games and posting three goals and ten assists for 13 points.

The 27-year-old Ukrainian was originally selected fifth overall in the 1998 Entry Draft.

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Weekes will earn about $700,000 a season.

In 14 games with the New York Rangers last season, Weekes, 32, went 4-6-2 with a 3.39 goals against average.

He sat out the remaining two months of the season with a leg injury.

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He will earn an average of $3.4-million a season.

Zubrus split last season with the Washington Capitals and Buffalo Sabres, registering 24 goals and 36 assists for 60 points.

Best of yet, the 6′4″ 225 pound Lithuanian plays at center, effectively replacing recently departed Scott Gomez.

Oh, and he’s 29.