Gosh, I sure hope not.

We’ve tried the whole desperation thing. Failed. We begged and bribed, to no avail. It’s simply impossible to wake the beast, I fear.

Have I given up? Oh, no. Not at all.

Am I trying some whole reverse-psychology deal, secretly hoping that if I kick the dog, (dog being New Jersey of course) the boys will actually win the game tonight?

Of course I am.

Jokes people, jokes.

Seriously, what does it take to get these boys to get the job done? Surely, goals would be nice. They’ve been scoring handfuls here and there the past few games though. This is not the problem. Physicality, maybe? Oh, yeah, the physical edge is also great and all, but I’ve seen enough of that as well.

Yes, Marty is being pushed around in his cage, but let each and every Devils fan exhale first, this is not the concern. The only way Mr. Brodeur gets hurt in net is by his own doing. I worry he may pull a muscle with his dramatic flops, but that’s neither here nor there.

(Somewhere, about 20 miles East of here, a bunch of clowns in blue are laughing and agreeing with the above statement. That’s fine.)

Grand scheme of things, folks. The boys aren’t clicking on all cylinders. Even if they were, it’s still not enough. The Rangers are no juggernaut, but they are light years ahead of Black ‘n Red in the talent department. No fooling ourselves, that’s not allowed right now. They’re the better team.

Just because New York may be better doesn’t mean they should win though. I know, it kind of doesn’t make sense at all, but when does hockey really ever make sense? It’s all about riding a hot streak, a beautiful wave of precision and determination to Lord Stanley’s Cup. Sure, we’re only Round 1 and all, but you gotta start somewhere, yes?

Let the Devils start somewhere tonight. Get the engine goin’, rev it like no one’s business and ride it out. It can be done.

I say this now, and I do hope it is not the last time I say it this season: GO DEVILS!

Dear New Jersey,
Do it again. That’s all I ask.

Yours forever,
Patricia
XOXO

PS~ If you guys win tonight, I will personally give one lucky reader a 2MA t-shirt.

READERS: LEAVE A COMMENT ON THIS POST BETWEEN NOW AND 9:00 PM ET CHEERING YOUR DEVILS ON. IF THE BOYS PULL THROUGH TONIGHT, ONE LUCKY WINNER WILL RECEIVE A 2MA SHIRT. WINNER WILL BE CHOSEN RANDOMLY. DO IT UP!

NEW YORK — Sean Avery, alleged John and mediocre forward for the New York Rangers, was officially awarded the title of “Asshat of the Universe” Monday morning after the National Hockey League was forced to alter its rules specifically to keep up with his douchebaggery.

Avery received the award, presented annually by the International Brotherhood of Asshatters and Duck-Billed Platypi (IBADBP), after NHL disiplinarion Colin Campbell altered a rule as a direct result of Avery’s actions during a 4-3 loss to the New Jersey Devils Sunday night.

During the 2nd period of a then 1-1 game, the Rangers were in the midst of a 5-on-3 powerplay when Avery began waving his stick and hands frantically within inches of the face of Devils goaltender Martin Brodeur in an attempt to distract him. The Rangers scored seconds later.

“It just came to me earlier that day,” Avery said after the game. “I saw this 4-year-old doing it to his brother while he was trying to concentrate on a video game and thought, I can use this.”

Brodeur, who is no stranger to Avery’s penchant for irritation, said after the game he was still trying to wrap his head around what occurred.

“I couldn’t believe it. He really raised the bar with that one,” he said Monday morning. “He was acting like we were playing basketball and was trying to guard me. At one point he started screaming ‘gonna take it to the paint Marty?!’ over and over. After that I just lost it. I couldn’t figure it out. Next thing you know the puck was in the net.”

The NHL acted swiftly and less than 24 hours after the game, Campbell released this statement:

“National Hockey League Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell issued the following advisory on the interpretation of Rule 75: Unsportsmanlike Conduct.

‘An unsportsmanlike conduct minor penalty (Rule 75) will be interpreted and applied, effective immediately, to a situation when an offensive player positions himself facing the opposition goaltender and engages in actions such as waving his arms or stick in front of the goaltender’s face for the purpose of interfering with and/or distracting the goaltender as opposed to positioning himself to try to make a play.’”

When IBADBP President Reginald Hammerfart heard of Avery’s feat of classless dickishness, he also didn’t miss a beat.

“I immediately knew we had a winner,” Hammerfart said. “We were about to give it to the guys who made that movie “Meet the Spartans,” but this just blew that out of the water.”

The award is the world’s highest honor given to an asshat and in receiving it Avery joins the company of past winners that includes comedian Carrot Top and right-wingnut Ann Coulter.

After hearing he won the award, Avery was humbled.

“I was like wow, who knew I could make it this far,” he said. “I just hope I set an example for asshats everywhere. If you believe in yourself you can accomplish anything.”

DISCLAIMER: With the exception of Colin Campbell’s statement on the rule change and the incident itself, everything else in this article was entirely made up. Just in case heh.

Dearest Patricia,

We’re pretty awesome huh? I know, I know, we’ve given you some scares in the past couple of days; what with Zach losing his boyish good looks and Marty nearly losing his head. But really, we were about to turn it around, we just needed to wait for the right moment.

Sure, there were plenty of Rangers fans to say we didn’t deserve that goal, it was a fluke or whatever. I’m sure another few might break out the rule books and say the refs missed all the calls and argue Brodeur really should have been called for trying to disrupt Sean Avery’s view of that blonde in the third row.

But we’ve tasted blood now, and we’re coming back for more.

Regardless how we got here we’d just like to say as a team — from the bottom of Johnny Oduya’s beard — thank you Patricia. If we had known the indigestion and drug dependence we were causing Devils fans, it would not have ever been an issue in the first place. Our bad! Really!

Ok, so maybe we didn’t channel the spirit of Claude or Scotty like you asked, we went for a more Randy Mckay vibe, but it still fits the bill, right?  Riiight.

Bottom line, we’re back in it and we just wanted to let ya know, we appreciate the heads up about our crap play of late.

Hugs and Kisses,

The Devils

P.S. If you see Zach’s front teeth anywhere, give us a heads up.  Much love to Dano, but NOT a good look for a guy in his early 20s and dude wants to hit the bar.

Dearest New Jersey,
I don’t like being mad at you. I really don’t. You make it so easy sometimes though. Do you realize that you have surely put me to an early grave? All the antacids, those ulcers are killin’ me. Oh, and I need a lot of dental work too, but that’s just because of the Meth. Still, I blame you.

You have a shot here to make it right. How? Win tonight. Please? I hate begging, I really do, but this is what you’ve brought me to here. As I sit here, writing this with my nervous twitch (okay maybe that’s the drugs), I cannot fathom the chances you guys really have if you so happen to lose tonight. 3-0 holes are just ridiculous.

I live and die by you, Black ‘n Red. When Zach Parise hurts, I hurt. When Dainius Zubrus scores, I score. Oh, and when Andy Greene actually makes a good play, I buy a lottery ticket.

Just kidding.

But seriously, boys, give it your all tonight. Desperation is not enough here. We need results in the form of grit and dedication to the game. I know you each have it in you. Bring your inner Claude Lemieux out, channel Scott Stevens, do whatever it takes to get the job done.

I may not make it another day otherwise.

Seriously.

With love,
Patricia

9:54 PM ET: And that’s game. Rangers with the 2-0 lead. Not good folks, not good. Horrible ending to the game, thanks to the officials. Way to ruin a pivotal moment.

9:53 PM ET: Can anyone explain to me why an icing was called when, uh, the Devils are shorthanded? Lame.

9:53 PM ET: Aaaand Cap’n Langs takes a penalty. Wow. Way to ruin everything.

9:51 PM ET: Lundqvist with a huge save, time out Rangers.

9:49 PM ET: GOAL! FINALLY! MADDEN! THERE’S HOPE! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!

9:46 PM ET: Empty net with a little over 90 seconds left. Time out time, me thinks.

9:45 PM ET: Desperation has once again set in, yielding unfavorable results thus far. We’re closing in on two minutes. It’s going to take a miracle.

9:33 PM ET: This is starting to look like a lost cause.

9:28 PM ET: And as I put the finishing touches on the last update, Jagr nearly nets another one. Oh my goodness. The Rangers are really controlling the play now.

9:38 PM ET: Review over a potential goal proves to be less than favorable for Black ‘n Red. No goal. Ugh.

9:28 PM ET: We’re hittin’ about ten minutes left in the tilt. Boys need to get some stuffs goin’ on real soon.

9:23 PM ET: I need beer. Now.

9:20 PM ET: Epic fail. 2-0 Rangers. Avery scores. Sigh.

9:19 PM ET: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL???? I hate Jaromir Jagr. He’s a butt. 1-0 Rangers.

9:18 PM ET: Whew! Marty with the splits, huge glove save. Man, it hurts — that’s how nice that save was on Backman.

8:56 PM ET: Period done. Red ‘n Black start the third on the man advantage. I see a trend here.

8:55 PM ET: A-hole Avery conveniently “falls” on Marty. Have fun in the penalty box, buddy.

8:54 PM ET: Aaaaand, one minute left in the period!

8:50 PM ET: Ha! ZUBBIEMONSTER gives King Henrik a snow shower, King Henrik returns with a chop to the skates. More

8:48 PM ET: Boys are still trying to get the puck through those pesky pads of King Henrik. I still maintain they should go high on the jerk.

8:44 PM ET: Something to think about: What kinds of fun painkillers is Zach on right now? Inquiring minds (and a few druggies) would like to know…

8:42 PM ET: Ergh. Shortie two-on-one goes vacant for the Maddog and the Panddog.

8:41 PM ET: Upon further review, the hook is phantom. Lame.

8:39 PM ET: And that’s how you do it! Pandolfo with a huge shot block, Devils finish off the kill. Play whistled dead, ‘nother penalty to come. Hook on ZUBBIEMONSTER. Aw hell. Way to be a boner kill.

8:37 PM ET: And once things quiet down, Cap’n Jamie takes a swing at Gomez! The crowd roars with absolute glee and jubilation. I love it.

8:37 PM ET: Scrum! Shanny-hanny goes at it with White and, uh, anyone else who will take hi on. Lots of face smearing and high sticks.

8:35 PM ET: That bugger Sean Avery draws a penalty after ZUBBIEMONSTER takes a chop at him. Boo.

8:31 PM ET: Four minutes of marginally decent chances. No goals. That was kind of a big letdown.

8:24 PM ET: BREAKING NEWS: ZACH PARISE HAS LOST HIS FRONT TWO TEETH. Nasty crosscheck to the face by Backman, Parise is painin’. Poor pretty boy. He’s goin’ off for some work, the boys are goin’ on some major man advantage time.

8:17 PM ET: Poor Zajac is pressing. KEEP SHOOTING HIGH, BOYS!

8:16 PM ET: Okay, updates might get a little hairy here. I’ll keep on this though, no fear. So, uh, lots of nothin’ basically. The pee-pee was annoying at best. Holy passing and fake shots, Batman!

7:53 PM ET: Nice flurry to end the period. Langenbrunner is absolutely stuffed by King Henrik. Period over. We’re scoreless after one. Minute and change on the pee-pee to start the second.

7:52 PM ET: Cap’n Jamie helps draw a penalty, Staal to the box, Devils to the power play to end the period. Holler.

7:50 PM ET: Borrring….

7:47 PM ET: Not all that much going on in the closing minutes of the period. We’re down to four minutes.

7:42 PM ET: Dubinsky with a quick turnaround shot, nearly surprises both Marty and myself. Lucky for us, Mr. Brodeur seems to be on his game tonight.

7:40 PM ET: Girardi throws a decent chance at net, Marty holds his ground though. Drury attempts a rebound, but Black ‘n Red make sure their net keeper is not to be messed with — they know what’s up.

7:39 PM ET: A muffled “Let’s Go Devils” chant emanates from the stands, in hopes of amping the boys. Back and forth action continues. Sean Avery also continues to be a piece of poo. Oh, and I kind of have to pee.

7:35 PM ET: Clearly, I picked a real winner to make my comeback. This game has been nuts. More cluster-fluckin’ action goin’ down. King Marty matches King Henrik save-for-save. This game is feisty.

7:34 PM ET: HOLY CHRIST HOW DID THE PUCK NOT GO IN THERE?? Okay I’m officially sad.. About 9000 Devils chances, puck does not find itself behind King Henrik’s bum. WHAT GIVES?

7:32 PM ET: Kind of a cluster-fluck going on here. Yes, I wrote fluck. Let’s keep this semi-family friendly here.

7:30 PM ET: Gomez with a sharp angle shot, Marty with the nice stop. Little bit of a scrum ensues, but nothing fun enough to report on. I feel like I’m going to be writing the name “Gomez” a lot tonight. I’m not happy about this.

7:29 PM ET: Clarkson and Mara go at it a bit. Nothing really comes of it. Gomez continues to be booed by fans far and wide.

7:28 PM ET: DELAY DONE! HOCKEY!

7:23 PM ET: Delay continues. In-game(?) skate commences. Who knew plexiglass could be so…complexi? Thank you, thank you — I’m here all night.

7:22 PM ET: Shoddy glass gives way to Yoggi Berra cameo on the television. Silver lining folks, silver lining.

7:21 PM ET: Large delay thanks to shoddy glass. Prudential Center fails.

7:16 PM ET: The boys look a bit desperate, and I like it.

7:15 PM ET: Thank you, Johnny-cakes. You totally saved Paulie Martin’s ass there. Huge block.

7:13 PM ET: Boys can’t really get much going here. Late push at the tail-end of the man advantage, but nothing comes of it. At least we can marvel at the beauty of a helmetless ZUBBIEMONSTER.

7:11 PM ET: Straka barely clips Mottau, Devils get a pee-pee. We’re, like, a minute into the game. This is, naturally, do or die here.

7:10 PM ET: HOCKEY! Let us pray for a strong start for Black ‘n Red.

7:03 PM ET: Hey! I’m here! Scott Gomez has sore baby back ribs. Chili’s, anyone?

6:04 PM ET: Ladies and gents, it’s true. Yours truly, Patricia Diane Greuter, has come out of live-cap retirement to (sort of) live-cap tonight’s game! While updates will be sporadic, expect those grand, witty quips that you’ve grown to love from your faithful 2MA Editor! Check back around puck-drop, I’ll be here servin’ up burgers, fries, and some good ol’ fashioned *Rag-ass-kicking!

*NOTE: Rag-ass-kicking not included with the price of purchase. Void where prohibited. Dear Lord please let the Devils win this game. Standard rules and regulations apply.

Here we go again.

Game 2 is mere hours away and the rock that was settling in the pit of my stomach has returned. A Devils/Rangers series will always do a number on one’s insides, but when you’re down in the series, it’s even rougher.

So, for the sake of your fans’ physical health, I implore of the Devils: win tonight. Please? A win makes this series a best-of-five, and that I can handle. I don’t think my stomach, heart, or spleen can handle the pressure of being down 2-0. What can I say, my spleen gets very emotionally involved in the game sometimes.

Winning tonight shouldn’t be that big of an issue. The boys put some quality shots are Henrik Lundqvist in Game 1, catching iron three separate times and scoring their lone goal. They know they can beat Lundy, they just need to tweak their accuracy. Oh dear God how they need to tweak their accuracy. I trust that that’s something that can take place, but ask me again after tonight’s game.

On the defensive end, as much as it disgusts me to say it, it’s absolutely imperative that they shut down Scott Gomez. The Red ‘n Black gave Gomez far too much room to operate in Game 1 and made his life far too easy, thus the three assists. The Clarkson/Zubrus/Rupp line did an effective job of shutting down the Jagr line; it’s up to Pandolfo/Madden/Gionta to step it up against the Gomez line.

In goal, let’s just get it over with. Marty made a huge mistake last game. What of it? I’m willing to grant him one big blunder in exchange for a year of ridiculous-even-by-his-standards play in front of a patchwork D that sports Mike Mottau as a top four guy. It was shocking because it was Marty and because it happens so rarely. You won’t see it again. Save for not covering the puck (or playing it too slowly) on the Callahan goal, Marty was stellar once again Wednesday night, and I expect he will continue to be this evening.

I really truly believe that if the Devils play the way they did in Game 1 - while not allowing Henrik to psych them into shooting wide every other play - the boys can win this game and ultimately this series. The key, however, is continuing to play that way.

Please make it so.

9:30 PM ET: I’m not happy, so I’m leaving now.  G’night all. 

9:25 PM ET: Dawes with the empty netter after a decent attempt with the pulled goalie.  4-1 Rangers and that’s the game.  Not the way to start it. 

9:23 PM ET: Devils timeout, they’re pulling Marty for the extra attacker.  Gulp. 

9:22 PM ET: Zubrus blasts one that hits the pipe!  1:30 left in the game.  Not gonna get a better chance than that this late. 

9:20 PM ET: Oh goddammit.  Turnover at the blue line, Gomez drives and Marty’s taken out of position, Avery’s left with an open net to drive it home and it’s 3-1.  Ugh. 

9:19 PM ET: Penalty up, some chances but not much.  Less than four minutes to go in the game.  C’mon guys! 

9:16 PM ET: Jamie Langenbrunner takes a stick to the face and goes down in a heap.  He’s okay it seems and the Devils go to the power play.  No blood, two minutes. 

9:11 PM ET: Good sustained bit of pressure there.  But nothing by way of rubber meeting cotton.  Or rubber meeting giant goaltender pads either for that matter, as most everything was wide or blocked in front. 

9:10 PM ET: Not a whole lot of chances either way since the shorthanded goal. 

9:03 PM ET:  Oh jeez…Shorthanded chance for the Rangers that Marty stops, but Brodeur doesn’t see Calahan driving around heind the net.  He goes to play it but Calahan knocks it off the stick and into the net.  2-1 Rangers on a rare Marty flub.  Dammit.

9:01 PM ET: Langenbrunner with a beautiful chance on the doorstep stopped by Lundqvist!  Dang. 

9:00 PM ET: Elias would have had an excellent chance had his stick not been held behind the net.  Luckily the refs see this as well and Rosival goes away for holding the stick.  Devils back to the PP! 

8:58 PM ET: Shots on goal are 5-0 Devils in the period, only 5 minutes in.  Good pressure, I like. 

8:56 PM ET: A little slower pace, but a couple of nice shots on goal.  That counts for something.  Right? 

8:53 PM ET: Period three now on! 

8:49 PM ET: I could swear there’s a commercial with our very own Mr. Joe Bechtel in it.  Or at least his long lost twin… 

8:35 PM ET: And that’s the end of the second and it’s 1-1 after two.  Whoooooo boy it’s gonna be a fun third period.  Come back and see! 

8:34 PM ET: Crazy glove save by Marty in the last minute of the period.  Yeah Marty.  Yeah. 

8:32 PM ET: GOOD GOD THE CHANCES!  Parise/Elias/Langenbrunner with chances on the doorstep galore and nothing doing!  You gotta bury one of those guys! 

8:29 PM ET: Asham rings one off the pipe!  He thought it was in and even put his arms up in victory.  But we all should have known better, it’s ARRON ASHAM. 

8:23 PM ET: Straka with a broken stick and Devils have essentially a five on three!  Crazy chances and Martin with a crazy stutter step, then shoots and scores!  1-1 game and a beautiful little move by Paulie Martin for the goal! 

8:22 PM ET: Scott Gomez says something on TV that you can’t say on TV.  And takes a penalty.  Not for the bad word though.  For hooking, it is.  Devils on the PP. 

8:20 PM ET: I would kill for some shot accuracy at this point in time.  Seriously. 

8:18 PM ET: My stomach is in knots. 

8:12 PM ET: Martin just misses the net on a slapshot, Calahan gets a rush up the other way and crashes in on Marty, dislodging the net.  Protect Marty guys, please. 

8:11 PM ET: FRANTIC penalty kill , but it’s killed nonetheless.   

8:08 PM ET: Nice chance by Gio but again he shoots it too high.  Tripping call on Pando when he loses an edge and again the Rangers go to the PP. 

8:03 PM ET: Shanahan with a shot, Gomez with either a screen or a tip and it’s 1-0 Rangers with the power play goal.  Dammit.  Shanahan gets the goal.

8:00 PM ET: We’re back, baby.  Period 2 underway.  Rock You Red seems to be a pretty big deal up there.  I approve also.  Devils remain on the PK due to Martin’s interference penalty.  First period shots were 8-8, and hits were 18-11 in favor of…well, I dunno, Doc didn’t say. 

7:43 PM ET: And thus is the end of period #1 of the 2008 playoffs.  I’ll be back in 17, will you? 

7:42 PM ET: A couple of wonky shots on Marty but he gets a piece of each.  Paul Martin takes a penalty for interference on Chris Drury in front of the net and with 10 seconds left in the first, the Devils go to the PK.

7:39 PM ET: Rangers with turnovers galore in their own end, the last taken away by Gio who misses high!  At least they’re aiming above the refridgerator doors on Lundy’s legs. 

7:38 PM ET: Oduya with a huge slapshot and bodies fly to the ground.  I don’t know how many he actually hit but it looked like a warzone for a minute there.

7:36 PM ET: Bryce Salvador’s back in, by the way.  He replaces Vitaly Vishvenski, who’s spending the evning in the press box. 

7:32 PM ET: Avery’s back in, though probably pissed that he’s less pretty now. 

7:30 PM ET: Penalty kill’t!  For those who are interested, Pittsburgh leads Ottawa 1-0 in the first. 

7:28 PM ET: This game is nothing if not exciting so far.  A post shot for each team and nothing but end to end hockey. 

7:27 PM ET: Sarge with a breakaway off a shorthanded turnover, nails the crossbar!  Oh jeez that would have been sweet! 

7:24 PM ET: Avery takes a puck to the face and is bloodied!  Avery heads off the ice and Oduya takes a slashing call simultanious to Avery taking rubber in the kisser.  Rangers PP. 

7:19 PM ET: Holy end-to-end hockey Batman!  Rangers get a three-on-two, Jagr clangs it off the post!  Nine minutes already played and scarcely a whistle.  Oh my, I don’t know if I’m in playoff livecapping shape just yet! 

7:18 PM ET: BIG drives by Andy Greene and John Madden turned away by Henrik.  Hello playoff hockey! 

7:17 PM ET: For two teams that enjoy play number 1-2-2, this game has been pretty wide open so far.  I’m impressed. 

7:14 PM ET: Devils power play, so far, not so pretty.  Sigh.  And that’s the end of that.

7:12 PM ET: Penalty on the Rangers - Paul Mara hooks Parise off a loose puck, and it’s time for a PSE&G Power Play! 

7:11 PM ET: The Devils are firey for sure tonight.  Gio went for a big hit on Gomez that just missed it’s mark. 

7:09 PM ET: Playoffs are underway! 

7:02 PM ET: Whoa Nelly, Chico’s taking the Rock The Red campaign seriously.  Why am I not surprised that Chico has such a…loud shirt?  Hah.  I approve nonetheless.

6:01 PM ET: Hark!  What spendid wonders await?  ‘Tis a livecap coming at thou this very eve!  Huzzah!  Stay(ith) tuned!